Category Archives: life

im happy to go out like this if happy is the word

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death is not the greatest loss in life.
the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live”

— norman cousins

i had a conversation with my secret world, where i added “gpt” (similar to chatgpt) to her last name because i’ve been learning a lot from her. after everything she went through, i asked, ‘do you sincerely accept everything, even though you never wanted to do that?‘ she told me, ‘yeah, i do. because i can’t do anything more except accept it.‘ at that moment, my heart was touched and i smiled when i heard that. i tried to understand her. how long will it take to become strong and steadfast like her was my question. i stopped asking because i did not want her to get hurt.

wish i could do the same. however, there is something blocking me.

when i was a teenager, i read a lot documents about being yourself, idealism, and staying true. these ideas usually appeared in the independent scene where most people: made something sincerely, told the truth even though it was hard, and cared about everything deeply. no wonder i’m very passionate about independent stuff. you rarely see those things outside them nowadays. instead, you see people justify anything, hating each other, and so on. what a cruel world.

these ideas shaped me you know me as well. fight for something, no matter how hard it is. no one can stop me. even if i’m denied, i will fight until there is no chance anymore. that means i will not give up. morever, lying has always been hard for me. sometimes i even felt tortured when i had to doit. besides that, i prefer truth over feelings. that is why you might call me a naive and stubborn person.

try opening our high school graduation book and look at my section. there is a quote that says, “berontaklah di setiap keterbatasan. hidup bukan sekadarnya.” another world is possible, i believe it. i forgot where i got the quote, but it should be from Morgue Vanguard. the quote really changed my mind and kept me always doing something in the situation i never desired.

however, some of those things are just memories since i can’t do them the way i used to. after the high school graduation, my life will never be the same. i started to realize and understand everything with an unusual perspective. not like before when i was usually unaware, did not care, and had a you-only-life-once madness. indeed, ignorance is bliss, as the people said.

once i sent a message to my friend: ‘living the life i never wanted is kind of hard.‘ i was struggling for long time. did a awful thing. lied because it was forced to. the worst part is i had to let go my dreams and lost many opportunities. it gets more hurt if facebook’s memories feature shows my old footage when i was still involved.

sometimes i hate myself for ending up as a loser. i never resisted. i even started to believe ‘dont be idealistic. this is how life works‘. pain, really. where are the ideas i have been holding on to? they could no beat the reality. that never happened before, whereas. the old me would be shocked if knew my current condition. like my friend, i had no idea and ways to escape.

have you wondered why i complaint about all of that and does it matter? probably, i could let these ideas go or bury them. follow what folks do, even though it against our humanity, but it would be replaced by money or position. some of my friends already did it and i saw their life was truly amazing.

but in reality, until now, i still cant do it. is not sad to live for a long time, or even forever, believing and doing something that goes against our true selves? is not it better to keep looking for another way or fighting rather than being a loser and sucking hopium that this is indeed destiny? is not an alternative world possible?

all i can do now is accept everything. still, a part of me wants to resist, i know i have to addapt. i’ve tried to make peace with it so far. even though in reality, the same and pain keep growing, while i keep asking why all this happened.

darkness will surely come, but not today.

satu postingan dari blog lama dosen

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Niatnya membahas ini saat semester tiga, tapi baru terealisasikan sekarang karena teringat lagi.

Dosen Telekomunikasi membagikan materinya dari blog WordPress gratisan yang memicu insting saya bahwa ada hal menarik tersembunyi. Siapa sih orang, terutama dosen, yang masih ngeblog di platform lama itu, kecuali mereka yang ngelakuinnya di masa lalu dan terlalu malas untuk membuat akun di tempat baru (mis. Substack, Medium).

Saya masih ingat beliau melakukan banyak perubahan dalam blognya, contohnya bagian laman kontak yang sekarang kosong. Beruntungnya masih diberikan kesempatan untuk melihat yang membawa saya ke hal menarik.

Semua catatan pada blog sudah saya baca dan satu hal yang dirasakan adalah perubahan gaya menulis dengan semakin formalnya dalam berjalannya waktu. Tentu, hal ini tidak berefek pada informasi yang diberikan. Hanya saja, perubahan biasanya terjadi karena suatu sebab.

Terlintas di pikiran: “apa mungkin beliau punya blog lain dengan nama penggunanya biasanya?” dan jawabannya adalah iya meskipun isinya kosong dengan kemungkinan besar telah dihapus oleh dosen.

Rasa penasaran ini membuat jari membuka website Internet Archive dan berharap akan menemukan informasi menarik. Untungnya, rayap (crawl) telah mengambil data-data di masa lampau biarpun tidak lengkap.

Membaca tulisan dan komentar lama pada blog tersebut membuat perasaan nostalgia bahwa dunia internet Indonesia pernah damai dan menyenangkan; tidak seperti sekarang yang serba kebencian.

Tentu, seperti yang saya sebutkan tentang gaya penulisan, beliau melakukannya di blog lama: gaya penulisan yang santai, tidak kaku, dan penggunaan emoji.

Tidak ada yang menarik sampai saya membuka cuplikan tahun 2019 sebagai tahun terakhir beliau aktif ngeblog di sana. Tiga postingan terbaru dengan perbedaan tanggal dan perubahan gaya penulisan (yang menjadi kebiasaan di blog baru) signifikan seperti memberikan informasi tersembunyi:

* Pembebasan dan Redefinisi Bahagia (sayangnya, tangkapan hanya menyajikan potongan saja)
* Finding the true self
* Living in Distractions

Terutama pada postingan kedua yang membuat hati tersentuh karena mirip yang sedang saya rasakan. Tentu, sebab lebih jelasnya tidak akan dijelaskan, kecuali kamu adalah orang terdekat saya :P.

Finding the true self

It’s been ages I didn’t write, well I don’t know why I easily quit on things. But today, I started to realise that I’m currently lost. Couple weeks ago, an old friend of mine started to offer me a business opportunity, then it followed by my colleague in the university. Both represented different products, however both are using the same MLM scheme. I once joined some MLM businesses, but it didn’t do good, Oriflame, Amway. I failed at both. I almost, real close to agreeing that I would join them. Then suddenly, I started a simple online research. It turned out that 95% of people who join MLM pyramid systems would not be able to gain any real profit. What a statistic! Then, people (in some blogs that I read) are suggesting that we should find a real business profile that perfectly fit for us.

However, I also tried several times in fashion business, yet I failed to keep the commitment. I tried to produce juices but then too lazy to clean those dishes after. Well, maybe I’m just bad at selling or washing dishes. But then if I’m talking about my profession today, do I really satisfied? In other word, do I really enjoy my job?

Once I worked for a big fish like Samsung, I earned 2-4 times bigger salary than my current state as a government employee in the university. However, I quit in two years to pursue a master degree. Eventually, I’m a lecturer now. My previous thought about being a lecturer is a superman who stand in front of the class talking about mindblowing stuffs and give insights to the pupils. However, what I found today is an uncondusive working environment full of political intrigues, a bunch of silly administrations, and some crazy imbalance between support and demand. Then, those astounding stuffs and insights that I imagined before were faded away.

I also failed in keeping my students to have a mutual relationship. I’m not a type of lecturers who can gather students as loyal assistant. I failed to make them unite, I failed to make them stay. I had did things to make them together, sitting among them, having chit-chat, brought foods, made them to gather outside the campus. But it all just crumbled. Maybe they didn’t believe me as someone they should follow. It’s kinda sad, right? Then I quit, or I hope it’s just a break.

In addition, the idea of having a PhD is also somehow faded. Two or three years ago I was eager to talk about research oportunities in several UK universites, and I was specifically excited to talk about wireless body area networks. But now, it also gradually faint. I couldn’t find a niche on what I need to deeply dig to make a good research plan which can be realistically achieved. What-the-hell-I-was-doing-all-these-time? It’s been 4 years since 2014. Last week, my dean also asked me about when I’m planning to pursue a doctoral degree? But I got him no answer which then brought me to another level of responsibility that I think I’m too early to bear. But since I’m a cool person, I won’t be disappointment to anybody who put trust on me.

Today I also asked some closest people around me: What do you think that I’d like to talk about? What do you think I’d love to do? What catch my attentions? Some of them said I like fashion stuffs, or traveling, or reading, or any random daily problems. Well, all of them cannot give me any “punch in the face” statement. To me, that’s just random. Or perhaps it’s me who is too random so that people described randomly about me. Geez, I’m 30 and I know nothing about me.

Thereupon, the last person that I asked about the same thing could not describe any single passion of mine (eventhough I consider him in the closest circle of my workplace) // (perhaps that’s because he also lost passion anyway, hahaha). However, he gave me such a concrete advice! Well, at first he suggested me to find a psychologist in case I’m suffering a hint of depression. Gosh! But then, he said that I should (and him too) start a healthy lifestyle. Eat healthy and nutricious food, get enough sleep, consume B-complex supplement, and maintain a good pray. Hopefully, by doing so we can start focus on anything that we need to do. Brilliant right? OK, to put things altogether, I’ll start a better habit from now on: eat better, sleep better, and also pray better. And as the additional commitment, from now on, I’ll start to write weekly in this blog every Friday.