to the things that still remain or the one that are gone but i remember.

1

indeed, as people say, “sometimes we understand something in a mysterious way”. that is how i felt. you might never know that i was not trully interested in taking an internship ath the energy plant. despite how amazed others were by mine. but, through it, i met many people and few of them changed the way i see of my life. in the end, i admit it was the biggest unplanned gift i’ve ever received.

they told me i’m the only person who makes them smile and laugh with my natural silliness and unexpected answer. something that had never happened with any intern before. one guy called me “you-wont-get-people-like-me-easily” because of the way i think, my hobbies, my collections, my interests, and so much more. others might find those traits somewhere, i suppose, but i realized my culture is considered niche.

then someone asked mesensitive questions that made me feel different in an instant. i never thought that would happen during my internship.
even now, it feels strange to remember. “how did they know?” i wondered. it left me a little uncomfortable.

someone suspected i was facing a problem since i seemed to forget things easily. i have no idea why. although i dont feel that way myself. maybe, my brain is overworked and its perfomance has declined. someone gave me advice and i tried it, hoping it would help.

since then, i’ve noticed many things have changed. yet i still do the same things to situations that no longer work the way they used to. it’s miserable enough for someone like me, who never believes in endings; just pauses. like the denial i mentioned in a previous post you might have read: i’m happy to go out like this if happy is the word

2

after i graduating from high school, i started to understand what friendship truly is. i’m too shy to say nice things about them out lod. so, i keep it all inside, which makes people think i’m heartless and careless. but, i always help and show attention in ways they dont recognize.

it’s strange when you are forced to accept that some people people you’ll never
meet again after graduation: whether from college, work, or even life itself. no
matter how much you miss them. the only connection left is through the
internet. that hurts.

i keep many physical thing of them that i store on my rack. also, i back up photos and videos of our memories. sometimes, looking at them makes me smile and feel sad at the same time. like a youtube comment i once saw: appreciate the things you have, before they become the things you had; that is me.

now, i have many new friends and behave in a fresh way. no more broken hearts or uncomfortable problems. i’m beginning to understand them; who they are, why they are, and what they mean. still, some dont feel like i wanted. but that is okay. this is the diversity that i have to accept. maybe, they have their strengths and their own paths.

3

when someone asks me about a best friend, i always fail to think or imagine one, until i see everything about her, then i understand what it truly means.

the past me was a liar. i did a foolish thing. i broke many people’s heart. but i did not want to end up that, instead, what i wanted did not alignt with reality. similar to facts does not care about your feeling. then, my close friend explained everything and it changed to me. imagine how hard that was, but it hurts more to live throught it unchanged.

from them, i learned that not everyone has the ability of understand.
understanding the thing we believe are good and questioning why they are not, sometimes takes a lot of time to see the truth of why something does not work. i always seek a another-my-secret-world-ish, but most of them dont work. in the end, i know, they are priceless.

fiuh, you might think that i am better than before; after all the madness i’ve done. if you’ve seen that side of me, it’s enough to explain how much they mean.

you rarely know how they mean to me for the life i’ve lived. from the advice and understanding they gave, i learned everything. perhaps, my current life would never be the same without them.

thank you, thank you, thank you, i owe you one.

death is not the greatest loss in life.
the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live”

— norman cousins

i had a conversation with my secret world, where i added “gpt” (similar to chatgpt) to her last name because i’ve been learning a lot from her. after everything she went through, i asked, ‘do you sincerely accept everything, even though you never wanted to do that?‘ she told me, ‘yeah, i do. because i can’t do anything more except accept it.‘ at that moment, my heart was touched and i smiled when i heard that. i tried to understand her. how long will it take to become strong and steadfast like her was my question. i stopped asking because i did not want her to get hurt.

wish i could do the same. however, there is something blocking me.

when i was a teenager, i read a lot documents about being yourself, idealism, and staying true. these ideas usually appeared in the independent scene where most people: made something sincerely, told the truth even though it was hard, and cared about everything deeply. no wonder i’m very passionate about independent stuff. you rarely see those things outside them nowadays. instead, you see people justify anything, hating each other, and so on. what a cruel world.

these ideas shaped me you know me as well. fight for something, no matter how hard it is. no one can stop me. even if i’m denied, i will fight until there is no chance anymore. that means i will not give up. morever, lying has always been hard for me. sometimes i even felt tortured when i had to doit. besides that, i prefer truth over feelings. that is why you might call me a naive and stubborn person.

try opening our high school graduation book and look at my section. there is a quote that says, “berontaklah di setiap keterbatasan. hidup bukan sekadarnya.” another world is possible, i believe it. i forgot where i got the quote, but it should be from Morgue Vanguard. the quote really changed my mind and kept me always doing something in the situation i never desired.

however, some of those things are just memories since i can’t do them the way i used to. after the high school graduation, my life will never be the same. i started to realize and understand everything with an unusual perspective. not like before when i was usually unaware, did not care, and had a you-only-life-once madness. indeed, ignorance is bliss, as the people said.

once i sent a message to my friend: ‘living the life i never wanted is kind of hard.‘ i was struggling for long time. did a awful thing. lied because it was forced to. the worst part is i had to let go my dreams and lost many opportunities. it gets more hurt if facebook’s memories feature shows my old footage when i was still involved.

sometimes i hate myself for ending up as a loser. i never resisted. i even started to believe ‘dont be idealistic. this is how life works‘. pain, really. where are the ideas i have been holding on to? they could no beat the reality. that never happened before, whereas. the old me would be shocked if knew my current condition. like my friend, i had no idea and ways to escape.

have you wondered why i complaint about all of that and does it matter? probably, i could let these ideas go or bury them. follow what folks do, even though it against our humanity, but it would be replaced by money or position. some of my friends already did it and i saw their life was truly amazing.

but in reality, until now, i still cant do it. is not sad to live for a long time, or even forever, believing and doing something that goes against our true selves? is not it better to keep looking for another way or fighting rather than being a loser and sucking hopium that this is indeed destiny? is not an alternative world possible?

all i can do now is accept everything. still, a part of me wants to resist, i know i have to addapt. i’ve tried to make peace with it so far. even though in reality, the same and pain keep growing, while i keep asking why all this happened.

darkness will surely come, but not today.