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i used to write and only share with someone on december. nothing purposeful except the things i once wrote before. past me was thinking if i have to stop because it is not relevant again. i wonder if it is true or not and it gave me a headache for everything that i have been doing that i dont know if it still has relevance or not.

this year has gives me big impact on my life. sadly, i cannot organize. the only thing i can do is writing on here. perhaps, i might tidy up some words, i wish.

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i became materialistic, but i wonder if it is the right word to describe myself. what i mean is i wanted to make more money. it’s not my deepest heart for being the reason, but how the world works where only the rich have a bigger chance to survive.

i try to not mix something with money because i believe it will be terrible.

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i should stop to put my standard to new people that i meet. although we should have similar things. but i always ended up on disappointed. indeed, it was work on the past, but not guarantee for the next times.

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slowly, i done for some habit that i have been doing since i was a teenager.
it was a sweet experience that i always wanted to do more and more.
i have been searching for someone who can do the similar. but the more
i try, the more i realize that those (who did great things to me)
are rare.

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i guess the next year is the perfect time to become freshman.
i will do what people do. life might be easier and fun, even though
pride is the price.

sometimes im tired and tortured for myself. i wish i did not read a sentence
that changed my mind. but, without it, i might still become kid.
but those things that i did and shared and told are became
my trademark.

some people said if i always brings out of the box thing; whether
the ideas, joke, and the others.

dont talk about anything no one knew anything

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maybe i am one of those “trust issues,” though i’m not even sure where it all began. perhaps, it was triggered by the unpleasant experience that pilled up over time. trust is difficult thing for me, unlike others who find it easy to just believe without needing extra validation and verification like i do. sometimes people get angry at me because i have difficulty trusting and label me as a complicated. but never mind, i would rather stay quiet than explain my reasons to them.

life has felt different ever since these trust issues appeared. there are joys and opportuniities i could have if i were more open to thers, but the disadvantages feel heavier and make me withdraw. atleast these trust issues help in certain situations, like sorting out what should or should not be shared.

‘have you tried to heal yourself?’, if you asked me that, i would say no. i have not. i still dont have a clear clue or a strong reason to start. sometimes i even wonder whether this truly is an issue or if im simply getting better at self control.

one time, an engineer asked me some questions about my life. he said he wanted to understand me better so our chemistry could grow. his words touched me because they felt sincere. but at the same time, i felt uncomfortable, searching for the best answer that would not reveal too much personal information. from time to time, that conversation still appears in my mind makes me wonder, “am i overreacting by hiding my information or am i right?”

he also said i seemed like an introvert, and i was not sure what to think.
“what?” was all i said. he advised me to be more open to theirs. whenever people ask something, i usually answer indirectly. it feels strange, because i rarely lie, but sometimes i feel like i have to. what the engineer did is the same thing others often do: the cliche advice, “you should be more open so the answer will be cleaer for your problems.” i wish they knew how i feel. it s not as simple as they think.

on the other hand, i also feel weird when my friends talk about topics i
consider personal or secret in front of many people. the more they share, the more confused i become. sometimes i walk away because i cant handle the bizarre feeling. i feel the same when someone shares their story with new people. my mind always produces questions like, “are not you afraid someone might take advantage of that?” and similar thoughts.

this year, i started writing again on my personal blog after being semi-retired for three years. back when i was still in high school. doing it again feels like one of the sweetest things i’ve felt in a long time. also, paying for klanadestin.org became a form of commitment, so i feel guilty if i dont write at least once a month, haha.

you might ask why i stopped writing before. the reason is that i did not feel secure about my stories after posting them. i realized that my messy thoughts are not for everyone. what is the point of writing if i have to choose which parts of myself i should remove? mistakes are part of the process, even if not everyone is comfortable with that.

because of that, i sometimes feel strange when i hear people share things i think should not be told in front of many others or when i read personal stories on someone blog that dont seem meant for public access.

during that time, i only sent my writing to a friend i considered exceptional. but i can’t do that forever. slowly, i started gathering the courage to write again. it’s not easy, but i have to try.

another time i will see you many times

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to the things that still remain or the one that are gone but i remember.

1

indeed, as people say, “sometimes we understand something in a mysterious way”. that is how i felt. you might never know that i was not trully interested in taking an internship ath the energy plant. despite how amazed others were by mine. but, through it, i met many people and few of them changed the way i see of my life. in the end, i admit it was the biggest unplanned gift i’ve ever received.

they told me i’m the only person who makes them smile and laugh with my natural silliness and unexpected answer. something that had never happened with any intern before. one guy called me “you-wont-get-people-like-me-easily” because of the way i think, my hobbies, my collections, my interests, and so much more. others might find those traits somewhere, i suppose, but i realized my culture is considered niche.

then someone asked mesensitive questions that made me feel different in an instant. i never thought that would happen during my internship.
even now, it feels strange to remember. “how did they know?” i wondered. it left me a little uncomfortable.

someone suspected i was facing a problem since i seemed to forget things easily. i have no idea why. although i dont feel that way myself. maybe, my brain is overworked and its perfomance has declined. someone gave me advice and i tried it, hoping it would help.

since then, i’ve noticed many things have changed. yet i still do the same things to situations that no longer work the way they used to. it’s miserable enough for someone like me, who never believes in endings; just pauses. like the denial i mentioned in a previous post you might have read: i’m happy to go out like this if happy is the word

2

after i graduating from high school, i started to understand what friendship truly is. i’m too shy to say nice things about them out lod. so, i keep it all inside, which makes people think i’m heartless and careless. but, i always help and show attention in ways they dont recognize.

it’s strange when you are forced to accept that some people people you’ll never
meet again after graduation: whether from college, work, or even life itself. no
matter how much you miss them. the only connection left is through the
internet. that hurts.

i keep many physical thing of them that i store on my rack. also, i back up photos and videos of our memories. sometimes, looking at them makes me smile and feel sad at the same time. like a youtube comment i once saw: appreciate the things you have, before they become the things you had; that is me.

now, i have many new friends and behave in a fresh way. no more broken hearts or uncomfortable problems. i’m beginning to understand them; who they are, why they are, and what they mean. still, some dont feel like i wanted. but that is okay. this is the diversity that i have to accept. maybe, they have their strengths and their own paths.

3

when someone asks me about a best friend, i always fail to think or imagine one, until i see everything about her, then i understand what it truly means.

the past me was a liar. i did a foolish thing. i broke many people’s heart. but i did not want to end up that, instead, what i wanted did not alignt with reality. similar to facts does not care about your feeling. then, my close friend explained everything and it changed to me. imagine how hard that was, but it hurts more to live throught it unchanged.

from them, i learned that not everyone has the ability of understand.
understanding the thing we believe are good and questioning why they are not, sometimes takes a lot of time to see the truth of why something does not work. i always seek a another-my-secret-world-ish, but most of them dont work. in the end, i know, they are priceless.

fiuh, you might think that i am better than before; after all the madness i’ve done. if you’ve seen that side of me, it’s enough to explain how much they mean.

you rarely know how they mean to me for the life i’ve lived. from the advice and understanding they gave, i learned everything. perhaps, my current life would never be the same without them.

thank you, thank you, thank you, i owe you one.